The Story of an Undocumented Rabbit

Hello folks, let’s chat…Do you remember the report our All Things Southern correspondent from Mississippi filed about the squirrel that landed on her face? I hate to add to Emily’s misery, but I’m wondering if the poor girl should try to locate the offending squirrel to get a copy of his papers on file. She could feasibly find herself in hot water for not properly documenting the incident. I’m serious.

My concern stems from the true story of a magician from Missouri. The USDA has been giving him fits about the rabbit he uses in his act. First the government said the rabbit was undocumented. Several years ago, they required the magician to get a license before his partner could jump back out of his hat. More recently, they’ve informed Magic Man that he must comply with the Animal Welfare Act and file a rabbit disaster plan complete with details of what he intends to do to protect the bunny should they suffer a fire, flood, or other natural disaster. The fellow had until July 29^th to file that document. I haven’t been able to procure a copy of Magic Man’s response but as I live and breathe I hope it sounded something like this:

Dear USDA, my previously undocumented rabbit and I have reviewed your last letter, and while the wascally wrabbit and I aren’t in unanimous agreement over the details, a copy of our disaster plan is attached for your review.

Be advised, this is our backup system. Plan A was to make y’all disappear— all of you— but seeing as how that hasn’t worked we’re prepared to proceed with Plan B.

I’ve enclosed a diagram of my kitchen. In compliance with the paragraph that requires me to submit documentation that my staff has been adequately trained whereas it concerns our emergency preparedness, please note that my mother trained me and her mother trained her.  In the event of a disaster, the rabbit and I will take it like a team, relying on the type of emergency response that has served this family for many generations.

We call it Stew.

Hugs, Shellie