Wedgiephobia Explained

Hello folks, let’s chat… Until now I have resisted the temptation to write about today’s subject because I know someone’s bound to take issue with me. And because I felt sure that by now the style in question would’ve gone the way of mood rings and mullets. Wrong. This trend is showing true staying power. Besides, fashion likes to travel in a circle, so even if it does disappear we’re liable to see it again. For these reasons and others, I’ve decided to southern belle up and opine on the unwelcome spectacle of sagging britches.

Yes, yes, I am going to address all the Droopy Drawers.

Now, before you send that email, I’ll save you some time. I’ve heard all the theories on how it got started. None of them offer a satisfactory why. Why wear your pants below your backside? And that belt at your knees—that just adds to the mystery. It looks like you’re either very confused on what goes where or you got distracted while pulling up your britches.

Just as I was beginning to wonder if I’d ever get to the bottom of this social curiosity, I had an epiphany. I now have reason to believe the saggy pants people have Wedgiephobia, a condition that causes one to have an intense fear of the common wedgie. Sufferers often go to extreme lengths to avoid one of these malicious clothing incidents. To be sure, I’ve been aware of Wedgiephobia since I was in high school where it was the chosen form of torture, but I was watching the U.S Open when my research finally came together. I’d been cheering for Nadal, that brave Spaniard who struggles so openly with his own form of Wedgiephobia, when I suddenly realized that the condition could have mutated, so to speak.

Bless your hearts. Please forgive me. Mama didn’t raise me to pick at sick people. Y’all should start a support group: Wedgies Anonymous. At least say you’ll think about it. You can’t get well until you admit you need help.

Hugs, Shellie