Big Girl Panties and Why We Need a “Witless” Protection Program

Hello folks, let’s chat…If you’re a regular around here you may have noticed that I’ve not been opining much on the Presidential election. Don’t mistake that for indifference. I believe we’re about to cast one of the single most important votes of our entire lifetimes.

I simply refuse to engage in public arguments which get uglier by the day. Why? Because I’ve yet to meet anyone who said, “You know, Barbara Sue, after reading that Facebook thread, I’m totally changing my vote.” Au contraire. Everybody and their mamas have chosen sides, ‘til death do them part. So, no, I’m not sticking my head in the sand with Polly Anna. I’m just hitting my knees with the faithful. We live in serious times, which brings me to our story.

I recently returned home from a long day to find that someone had threaded a sheet on a rope and stretched it between two trees at the entrance to my driveway. The sheet bore an ominous message in large spray painted letters, “Serious times! Be Prepared! Big girl panties for sale.” That’s not all. Tacked onto the trees were numerous big girl quadruple large panties.

I recognized the work of my BFF immediately. To add insult to injury, I soon discovered Red had also roped my granddaughter into her madness along with an innocent child visiting from Texas. (I forgive you Sydney.)

Oh, how our town enjoyed the presentation—as evidenced by the horns, Facebook comments, and texts.  The following day I pigeonholed my seven-year-old granddaughter. “Emerson,” I said. “Did you know someone tacked up big old panties near my—”

That’s as far as I got before Emerson came clean, enthusiastically, “Me! It was me! I helped!”

I’ve been told that little apple fell very close to this tree. I can’t argue with that, but since this chat did start with government concerns, I have an idea. You know what this country needs? A Witless Protection. No, I’m not confused. We need a Witless Protection Program to shield us all from certain kinds of people, from Lake Providence…Louisiana… named Red.