Paula’s Plotting Her Revenge

I saw Paula recently. She came in for our great aunt’s funeral. You remember Paula, my single cousin from Texas. I thought the girl looked fantastic myself, all slim and trim with every hair in place, but her biological clock must be ticking louder than ever ‘cause she was even touchier about her marital state, or lack thereof, than usual.

She sat by Phil and me at the funeral and rode with us to the cemetery. Afterwards we all went back to my uncle’s house for cake and coffee. While we were there, I did everything I could to run interference for Paula. Anytime I sensed one of our relatives was going to start asking her about her love life, I would cut in and change the subject but hey— I couldn’t be by her side every minute. I was caught talking politics with one of our uncles when I saw Aunt Ellie corner Paula. Poor thing, I could see Aunt Ellie was settling in to play fifty questions about who Paula was seeing, when she was going to get married, etc.

By the time I got her separated and pulled out to the kitchen she was fit to be tied. “I’m so tired of it!” Paula ranted. “I’m telling you Shellie, I’m fixin’ to turn the tables on every one of those old bats. You have no idea what it’s like to have them poking you in the ribs, every time someone gets engaged or married and singing “You’re next”.

“Oh, Paula,” I said, “that’s family you’re talking about and they don’t mean any harm, really. Don’t be mean.”

“Don’t worry,” Paula said. “I’m just gonna smile and say the same thing to them that they say to me, ‘You’re next’—only I’m gonna say at family funerals.”

Hugs, Shellie