Stepping on Frogs and Calling the Cat

Hello folks, let’s chat…  My southern upbringing discourages me from using certain words on the radio. While this can be tricky when one wants to opine on subjects like the topic I have in mind today, a wise belle knows how to rely on euphemisms to get the job done. Stepping on frogs, for instance. That’s how my late grandmother referred to this natural body function. A reader once told me her aunt “called the cat” when the need arose. More familiar references would be breaking wind, passing gas, and crop dusting.

Last night my girlfriends and I used all of these euphemisms– and then some. We were enjoying a rare girls night out and this subject kept resurfacing. And I mean that in every way you can imagine.

It was quite an educational evening. I was already acquainted with the combustible nature of Fiber One bars, complements of a traveling partner who consumed more than her share of those atomic bombs in the span of a single road trip. She of Fiber One Fame shall remain anonymous, but legend has it neither of us rested well that evening. One of us was even forced to fall out of the hotel bed and go to the floor in search of a life-sustaining breath of fresh air, much as one does to find oxygen during a fire.

What I didn’t know is that sugar-free candy can have similar disastrous and unholy consequences. There’s a story with that one, too, but if I told you, I’d have to shoot you.

Moving right along, we also discussed the study recently released by some so-called experts. They’re claiming that smelling another person’s Methane Moments is healthy. We decided those experts were teenage boys. We’re also worried since we all know folks who already feel free to share the love. Now they’ll be claiming that they’re doing us a favor. “This is for your own good,” they’ll say.

America, we’re better than this. Having considered the ramifications of this sort of medicinal intervention, the girls and I would like to go on record with two short words, “We pass.”